It’s a never-ending rollercoaster, this healing thing. Some days you’re the bird and some days you’re the windscreen. (If you don’t get that, it’s the days you do the windscreen pooping, and on others, sadly, you my dear, are the windscreen that gets pooped on.) The merry-go round. Today it isn’t a hamster-wheel. It’s slow enough for me to see the amusement of it all. In control and feeling on top of things yesterday, and waking up swimming in a sea of “What on earth is my life?!”

Today I am aware of my own limitations as a human. Those things I totally “got” yesterday about where I am at in my journey with relationships, especially as I relate to others in my intimate circle, I don’t feel so sure about somethings I thought I was onboard with yesterday or even the day before. What is this madness? It is useful at this point, that I share my awareness of a tendency to try and control situations and manage the predictability of outcomes when it comes to my heart. Despite my deep wisdom and experience in guiding others into a healthier way of Being alive and living. I, too, forgot. And today, I am flustered. 

I’m grateful for this healthy reminder of the ebb and flow of life because it allows me the presence of mind and heart to be patient and kind with myself and others in my life. We re all just figuring it out. I know this about people I come into contact with, but that level of empathy is not always extended to myself. Today I don’t know if some of my decisions will work out well. Today, I don’t even know if they were good decisions. The irony of being good at arguing for both sides of any point of view is that I can also decisively undo really considered decisions by playing devil’s advocate for myself. I can be entirely neutral, see both sides and place no judgement when it comes to situations affecting others. Today I am suffering at the weight of this superpower over a personal decision to walk away from a relationship that is not working. The battle here is to define how much energy is healthy, as a sacrifice to salvage a friendship after a romantic relationship. 

Last night I asked myself how I would advise myself if I was talking to any of my beloved nephews in the same situation. Maybe if I can be objective, I can stop this tug of war against myself. Not that it has helped the feelings of absolute confusion and the fear of letting go I feel today, but I would see the wood for the trees and ask them to sever all ties until such a (safe) time where they feel they can re-approach for a new relationship. But is it even possible? The comeback? Will things ever be any “normal”?

This is a call for a little sounding board.

Have you stayed friends with a past lover? How do you know it is most definitely time to walk away from somethings? What is your go to strategy for when you can’t seem to let a decision run its course? 

(I’ll skip the question on whether you think any of this agony is necessary, because in kindness to myself – I decree that all my feelings are welcome.)